Location: the bar (and I do not mean the saloon) in Broken Rose Sim

In a crowded courtroom, Pappy Enoch sat before the Honorable Justin Kase Linden.  No jury of peers could be found for the peerless Pappy, so Judge Linden decided to move ahead by himself.

Linden: Mr. Enoch, do you know why you are here?

Pappy: Well, yer horror…

Linden: That’s “your honor…”

Pappy: Him, tu.  I are hear becuz o’ a lil’ fuzzy feller hoo klaims I are his pappy.

Linden: Yes. One Boo-Boo Enoch, my records show.

Pappy: Yep. Marcus Boo-Boo Aurelius, I calls him, fer short.

Linden: Are we to understand that this lad is your son?

Pappy: I reckon so. I’ll take him if’n nobuddy else wants the po’ lil crittur.

Linden: “You reckon?”  You don’t know your own illegitimate child?

Pappy: Why he cain’t help that—he ain’t nuffin but a baby! Soon as he’s old enuf I’ll teach him how tu rite good like his pappy!

Linden (sighing): Oh, forget that. Do you even recall if you have, um…been with a woman?

Pappy: Oh, lots o’ times n’ wif several gals. I bin tu the shoppin’ malls, n’ tu sum dances, n’ tu a place fer catchin’ fish…

Linden: And who, exactly, was present on these occasions?

Pappy: Well now, I were thar, n’ Miz Di, n’ me, n’ Miz Tenchi, me, Miz Cynthia, me, n’ Miz Kyo, n’ me tu.

Linden: You’ve named yourself five times, Mr. Enoch.

Pappy: Well, yu did say tu bee egg-zact. N’ I figgers that I weighs five times as much as they du n’ I are at least five times the fool…

Linden (drumming his fingers on his desk): Be that as it may, with any of these women have you had intimate relations?

Pappy: Why, yer majersty! I ain’t that type o’ hillbilly!  I don’t fool wif no relashuns!

Linden (clearly exasperated): No, no.  What I mean is, well… HAVE YOU BEEN MAKING BABIES?

Pappy: Heavuns abuv, yer excremency!  Only Gawd kin make a baby happin.

Linden: Now don’t go trying to blame the Good Lord.

Pappy: I ain’t.  If’n it did happen, I wood a been only the, what you calls it, farce-illustratur in the situashun.

At this point the mood in the courtroom was getting out of control.  Several women present, moved by the stern judge as well as the honest face (and undoubtedly the manly appearance) of Pappy, began to yell out “Boo Boo’s mine!”  Then Judge Linden brought down his gavel.

Linden: Order!  That’s enough!  I find you, Pappy Enoch, guilty of moral turpitude…

Pappy: Turpentine?  That’s a crime?  My Shine tastes better’n…

Linden: Silence!  Public drunkenness…

Pappy: Well, yu du got me cold on that wun. How many counts?

Linden: Never mind. And negligence of a minor….

Pappy: Yer horror! I wood never let no miner ware sum’fin like a negligee!

Linden: Shut up!  Thirty days in jail and 100 Linden Dollars monthly in child support!

Pappy: Okay, yer Grace.  The food ain’t bad thar, n’ kin I pay in Shine?

Linden: NO!  No go back to your cell…Sheriff?

Pappy: SHE am the Sheriff?  Hot Dawg…cood yu give mee 30 years in that-thar jail?





Be sure to check the “In a Strange Land” Archive for old posts

Thank Gawd Abuv y’all am a-visitin’ my po’ frend Iggy’s blob. He am sore that all the gals (an fellers hoo likes readin’ high-brow litty-chur, like Patric) pre-fers Pap tu him.

Patric, yu helps yuself tu as much Shine as yu wants.  My boy Marcus Boo-Boo Aurelius Enoch were born knowin’ how tu make shine.  He’s got Ol’ Betsy cookin’ corn round the clock ‘till I gits out o’ jail—help yuself!

Yur troo frend,

Pappy Enoch

HAHA, that exchange in the courthouse was a classic.  Pappy, we might visit your still while you’re away, just to make sure it’s “okay.“

It’s like a kid to you, I’m sure…

Ma’am, yu am so durned sweet to offer.

That po’ boy am a-going tu have mo’ aunties n’ The Mo’man Tableknuckle Choirboys by the time yu gals am dun.

Jist bee kareful. He am short so he like a-peekin’ up gal’s skirts. Miz Di had tu put on panty-loons ‘round that lil’ shaver.  THAT’S MY BOY!

As tu laundry, yu jist kum on by the jailhouse n’ I’ll spill sum’fin on that purty gal o’ a Sheriff. Then yu kin tell her that yu’d bee willin’ to warsh her uni-form wile she am still warin’ it (at furst).

Given yur last washin’ job, I knows it wood be an A-number-wun job. I’d bee miterly beholden tu yu fer that

Thank’ee fo’ liftin’ the spirits (an’ mo’) o’ a po’ ol’ frendless shiner stuk in the jailhouse.

I’m happy to be Boo Boo’s aunt (or something *g*) so if you ever need a babysitter, e.g. when you are going out on a date with the sheriff - just let me know!

Oh, and if you’re out of… um, clean clothes… let me know as well! *cheeky grin*

Your cousin Cynthia

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