Location: Richmond Island

I got this sad note from our roving correspondent and virtual hillbilly, Pappy Enoch:

Dear Mistophur Wiggly:

My orful sistur, Jezz, dun kiddy-napped mah wun n’ only (far’s I know) son, Marcus Boo-Boo Aurelius.”  She am a-holdin’ him ransum, wif the corn-pleet know-lige o’ Miz Di!  And git this-hear corn-plerkashum: HE DUN BIN BRANE-WARSHED!

Reed this-hear note I dun got frum mah son…

“Mah Deer Pappy:

I are a-stayin’ wif Auntie Jezz-bell, Miz Di, and Miz Shauna (hoo giggles sum’fin feerce wen I looks up her short skirt at her frilly panty-loons).

These-hear Aunties pets mah lil’ head, calls mee hunny-bunny, kisses me reg’lar, n’ don’t make mee run no still o’ put Shine intu heavy-ol’ jugs befo’ I kin eat suppur.

So I reckuns I will see you…sum’time. May-bee.

Yo’ Lil’ Bundul o’ Joy,

Marcus Boo-boo Aurelius Enoch”

I tried to console the poor Shiner, but he was beyond help.  So, using my unparalleled skills as an investigative fake reporter, I found Jezzabel myself and invited her over to Richmond Island, where I knew any firearms or chainsaws in her possession would not harm me.

Our meeting was short but not sweet.  I tried to corn-vince her to come to terms with her brother, but reason made no headway with the former roller-derby queen.

She replied that “I ain’t stoppin’ nuffin’ till that skally-wag pays mee mah 135 milly-yun Linden Dollurs!  Now yu stay the Sam Hill out’n famerly bizness, mistophur…” and then…

She laid a beating on me I’ll never forget, after sayin’ “I likes yu,  boy…yu reminds mee o’ mah secund huzzbind, Jedidiah Agamemnon Hawgwallup, hoo died in bed wun nite aftur gittin’ rite tuckered out.”

After she clobbered me, Jezz added, “Imaginerfy whut I wood du to sum’buddy I don’t keer for.” 

Good luck, Pappy. You’ll need it!

Be sure to check the “In a Strange Land” Archive for old posts

No comments have been posted.

Post Your Comments:

Commenting is not available in this weblog entry.